The Perfect Breakup is...

 

The break up…

we were once love birds… and one day shit went south…

we are not even sure why, but we just know we can't even agree to disagree;

we can't stand being next to each other and all of a sudden

we start to weigh our options.
 

Do I lay it on him/her nice and easy?
 

Do I just coast and let him/her figure out where we headed?
 

Do I scar him or her? I mean do something so evil he/she remembers me for the rest of their miserable life?
(well at least you hope they miserable)
 

Well the greatest mistake you would make is seek advice from your friend… because they will want to own your quarrel and act out all the things they can’t do in their relationship. Keep it clean…
 

Just incase you are wondering… there is a guideline of “don’ts” below:
 

Don’t break up with your Significant other before 9.55am on an environmental Saturday if you live in lagos or abuja, its guaranteed that if you do it by 7am, some1 is going to get arrested.
 

Don’t just hope that your Significant other drops dead so you wont have to break up with him/her.
 

 Don’t outsource or delegate the task to anyone especially your pastor, spouse or kids. Spouse? (imagine sending your spouse to go breakup with you fling/girlfriend/boyfriend… that would be too funny) if you tried it before please share with us…
 

Don’t totally ignore the person and hope he/she figures it out when he/she sees you are engaged to some other person on facebook or in some extreme cases buys a porn dvd with you front and center (true story)
 

Don’t put it in writing – no emails, no text messages…and sure as hell no letters, you cant leave a paper trail of your meanness
 

Don’t do it during sex, its just confusing and may be mistaken for dirty talk
 

Don’t destroy anything in the house or burn any ones clothes except you wont be the one to clean it up and you are sure there is no way you will end up paying.
 

Don’t do it in person if you are dating a karate, WWE or gidibo champion.
 

Don’t get immigration to do it for you, when you know that red/blue passport was the reason you hooked up anyways
 

Don’t do it while drinking, you can drink for courage but make sure the other person is sober
 

Don’t do it repeatedly with the same person, its confuses ALL OF US, how would we mind your business when we don’t know what weekend you guys are together
 

Public break ups are embarrassing for everyone. Don’t do it except of course, he/she is a gidibo champion that doesn’t have a phone. (because the brushing will be epic at home)
 

There is no time or place that will be appropriate but then if you are not together anyways,

 

WHO GIVES A FUCK HOW YOU BROKE UP.

  

Written by @mizchiomz for BT



Will you marry me?...

I think it is amazing that women tell you exactly how they want to be proposed to… 

I mean for us guys we really couldn't be fucked… 

just give us a yes or no answer and/or take or refuse the damn ring and  we will be on our way. 

And please NO as an answer is never cool.

Now if for some weird reason, if you don’t see your relationship ending in a YES… 

I think you should let the dude know… 

dude be walking around like he found him a dime piece that love him to death… 

I mean he already making plans with friends on what kinda ring to buy and all. 

Prior to this, chick prolly gassing him up about her dream wedding proposal or whatever its called 

and you got a nigga jumping through hoops to make sure your happy with his delivery… 

and on the d-day… 

you hit him with the… No. 

or I have to think about it…

Really?!

I think the NO is better… 

cos if I might impolitely ask…

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT?

Dude would have died like 5 times before you give him an answer 

and to be honest a guy that actually waits for you to decide… 

is either a pussy or has something sinister planned for you 

and in your own best interest… u better tell him NO! 

cos shit might just get really real!

I read something on yahoo the other day… 

about some dude that proposed to his girl during a game…

He took it away… I mean… the question popped up on the screen… talkn’ bout

“Whatever her name” is will you marry me?… 

dude got on his knees, in-front of people in the arena and peeps at home and got the NO! for an answer.

Now that’s a bad situation to be in… 

but guess what… I blame the dude.

Guys before you go doing some dumb shit… 

be sure who your with. 

Better still don’t!

You want to propose?... give her a ring in your room… 

none of that restaurant, during a game type bullshit. 

Unless you are sure… and even at that, why would you want that much attention?

Bottom line is lets act like we got some HOTDAMN SENSE 

and be realistic about our demands and expectations. 

All these damn romantic movies got people twisted. 

Its called a movie for a reason so let’s leave that shit at the cinema. 

Just Do It

There are major differences between men and women… 

I mean I don’t think I need to go into all that… but fact, is these differences are glaring.

Look at boy and girl relations… 

when we (men) start the chase…

 the chick is always on some bullshit… 

I mean waiting for you to either put the final nail in your coffin 

or sweep them off they feet… 

I mean with a woman there is always work to do. 

Well I can’t really blame them not like we back in the cave-man era where it was… 

“thonk… drag… straff…” 

well I am assuming this was how it was done then until 

cave-men started fighting for their property… 

and the woman as usual is the ultimate prize and pride of a man…

I digress…

Anyways, women want men to do shit they are not used to, 

please do not be confused… 

we will do them… 

the problem is when we stop you say we have changed… 

lets break this down… 

we started talking to you… (for the most part) 

if you just said yes we won’t need to change in order to impress or woo you 

and it won’t lead to the most famous line in the statement in the world 

“you have changed… you stopped doing the things that you used to” 

well… I won’t call it change… 

I will call it reverting to the original state of existence. 

Women love to talk… talk about the day, and shit that happened and all that good stuff… 

men do not really like to talk… if we do it better be relevant.

Yesterday I was with a married couple… 

heading to a meeting with the husband and I had to drop the wife at her office… 

ok… the ride was smooth… 

but damn his wife could not be quiet and you could tell that homeboi didn’t feel like talking… 

she talking bout shit that don’t even matter… 

her sister and her husband… 

the water leaking from the roof of the boy’s quarters in her father’s house… 

I almost lost it… truth is as men we do not have a choice… 

women like to talk about all kinda shit… 

they just need to know that you are a part of whatever they are going through. 

I have always been bad at this though… because to be honest… 

[pause]

You must give it up to the woman though… she won’t leave or switch up her feelings; 

she will adjust, and for the most part welcome what you have turned into or reverted to…

But there is another problem that might stir-up… 

women for the most part once they “lock down” a dude… they let go… talking about 

OUT THE WINDOW

Walking around a nigga crib like u just escaped being beaten by some cave-man… 

I mean WTF?! 

What the hell we posed to do with that ish!!! 

And the minute we not in the mood to be around the house you get to nagging… 

for the most part you are in control of that relationship… 

your vibe and your appearance is what motivates  a us… 

trust me if you look 10/10 for the most part he will be all over you. 

(unless you wore him out already)

and they definitely want to be around you all the time...

On the other hand as soon as men get with that girl they been wanting… 

they relax and can be withdrawn… 

this is when the woman wants to see more of you 

and you are busy making up excuses all over the place… 

talking bout I am really busy this week… nigga doing what?!! 

When you were on her ass like white on rice you had all the time in the world and now that she yours, 

you can’t spare a couple hours in your day… ok… 

watch another nigga slide in… 

and guess who going to be wearing the stupid face…  

Fact is, our potential differences are what make us need each other… 

I mean a man is willing to sit in a place and if he is not disturbed… 

would probably be there for the rest of his life… but when a woman is introduced into the equation… 

she starts to make plans for both of you. 

This can be very annoying but please indulge her, 

you might just enjoy it and guess what… 

when you are done you have earned the right to be left alone 

or won the key to the ultimate sex vault… 

I choose the second.

on that note i leave you with a skit from Llyod's Playboy Diaries...