Its not that SERIOUS!!!

Yo… its Christmas once again…

...the freshers (i just got back kids)

the oldies (we run this town)

the old coots (we old but we young at heart)...

everyone will be out! 

but is it just me or is the clubbing experience in Lagos gradually going to hell…

I mean I understand it’s a club and all and that people are supposed to be there… 

and yes they are supposed to be drinking… 

now I have to be honest… 

there aren’t that many options out there and the few that will pass 

are so overcrowded that it’s a fire hazard.

I mean why would I want to be shoulder to shoulder with people I don’t know?…  

maybe the opportunity to sneak in accidental kisses or “cop a feel” from an unsuspecting female is enough of an incentive to be there but seriously… 

is it really that serious?

outside the club there are people scattered all over the place… 

some trying to get in, some trying to get out others just trying to get laid… 

when you finally make your way into the club, 

your hit with that very still, heavy, stinky wall of air mixed with thick smoke 

in a room or space with little or no ventilation… 

people moving around in drones as if under the ever generous spell of intoxication.

Let’s not talk about the illusive idea of that one “special” space in the corner 

that keeps getting biggeras clubs spring up daily… 

I am talking about the little room in the back labeled VIP. 

What horse shit… 

what criteria does one have to meet to be welcomed to the clique of the Very Important People? 

I ask that to say this… 

there is nothing important about half the people in that room… 

including myself… I mean the hell do I do?... 

oh yeah… spend money; and guess what… 

so does half of Lagos state.

I was out one Friday night… 

started off at a place called Greenwich somewhere in V.I. 

this was the first for me and I was quite happy with what I saw… 

chill night, good crowd… the music tho… a little different 

but I got over that soon as the henny made its way into my system. 

It wasn't overcrowded, the music wasn't irritatingly loud, 

you could actually see through to the other end of the room. 

I mean you could actually talk to the person next to you and dance without being intrusive. 

This was a nice place to be… maybe just for that night though… 

might be different the next time I find myself there.

From there we made our way to Likwid… 

there was a debate about where to go though… 

this was between Likwid and SIP… 

hmmm not a big fan of both places…SIP on Fridays… 

at some point was a no no for me… 

would rather experiment slitting my wrist with a tea-spoon… (that’s changed now) 

get there early and you will have a blast! 

Likwid on the other hand… OMG!!! Don’t know about other nights... 

but that night was a mess… 

crowded, hot, sticky… I really don’t know how people do this… 

you walk in there and you wonder if everyone is ok… 

how do you have fun in such a place? 

I mean… it is HOT and dank! 

And the Christmas rush has just started… 

I think I will return to my haven… DeMarquee… if I really have to be out.

But really… I think I know what I will be doing this Christmas season… chilling with friends 

at a bar or the house with enough food, drinks and good convo.

Its really not that Serious.

*please note that this is not an ad/promo or whatever for any of the clubs mentioned in this write up… its just an opinion and should be treated as such*

The Perfect Breakup is...

 

The break up…

we were once love birds… and one day shit went south…

we are not even sure why, but we just know we can't even agree to disagree;

we can't stand being next to each other and all of a sudden

we start to weigh our options.
 

Do I lay it on him/her nice and easy?
 

Do I just coast and let him/her figure out where we headed?
 

Do I scar him or her? I mean do something so evil he/she remembers me for the rest of their miserable life?
(well at least you hope they miserable)
 

Well the greatest mistake you would make is seek advice from your friend… because they will want to own your quarrel and act out all the things they can’t do in their relationship. Keep it clean…
 

Just incase you are wondering… there is a guideline of “don’ts” below:
 

Don’t break up with your Significant other before 9.55am on an environmental Saturday if you live in lagos or abuja, its guaranteed that if you do it by 7am, some1 is going to get arrested.
 

Don’t just hope that your Significant other drops dead so you wont have to break up with him/her.
 

 Don’t outsource or delegate the task to anyone especially your pastor, spouse or kids. Spouse? (imagine sending your spouse to go breakup with you fling/girlfriend/boyfriend… that would be too funny) if you tried it before please share with us…
 

Don’t totally ignore the person and hope he/she figures it out when he/she sees you are engaged to some other person on facebook or in some extreme cases buys a porn dvd with you front and center (true story)
 

Don’t put it in writing – no emails, no text messages…and sure as hell no letters, you cant leave a paper trail of your meanness
 

Don’t do it during sex, its just confusing and may be mistaken for dirty talk
 

Don’t destroy anything in the house or burn any ones clothes except you wont be the one to clean it up and you are sure there is no way you will end up paying.
 

Don’t do it in person if you are dating a karate, WWE or gidibo champion.
 

Don’t get immigration to do it for you, when you know that red/blue passport was the reason you hooked up anyways
 

Don’t do it while drinking, you can drink for courage but make sure the other person is sober
 

Don’t do it repeatedly with the same person, its confuses ALL OF US, how would we mind your business when we don’t know what weekend you guys are together
 

Public break ups are embarrassing for everyone. Don’t do it except of course, he/she is a gidibo champion that doesn’t have a phone. (because the brushing will be epic at home)
 

There is no time or place that will be appropriate but then if you are not together anyways,

 

WHO GIVES A FUCK HOW YOU BROKE UP.

  

Written by @mizchiomz for BT



Will you marry me?...

I think it is amazing that women tell you exactly how they want to be proposed to… 

I mean for us guys we really couldn't be fucked… 

just give us a yes or no answer and/or take or refuse the damn ring and  we will be on our way. 

And please NO as an answer is never cool.

Now if for some weird reason, if you don’t see your relationship ending in a YES… 

I think you should let the dude know… 

dude be walking around like he found him a dime piece that love him to death… 

I mean he already making plans with friends on what kinda ring to buy and all. 

Prior to this, chick prolly gassing him up about her dream wedding proposal or whatever its called 

and you got a nigga jumping through hoops to make sure your happy with his delivery… 

and on the d-day… 

you hit him with the… No. 

or I have to think about it…

Really?!

I think the NO is better… 

cos if I might impolitely ask…

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT?

Dude would have died like 5 times before you give him an answer 

and to be honest a guy that actually waits for you to decide… 

is either a pussy or has something sinister planned for you 

and in your own best interest… u better tell him NO! 

cos shit might just get really real!

I read something on yahoo the other day… 

about some dude that proposed to his girl during a game…

He took it away… I mean… the question popped up on the screen… talkn’ bout

“Whatever her name” is will you marry me?… 

dude got on his knees, in-front of people in the arena and peeps at home and got the NO! for an answer.

Now that’s a bad situation to be in… 

but guess what… I blame the dude.

Guys before you go doing some dumb shit… 

be sure who your with. 

Better still don’t!

You want to propose?... give her a ring in your room… 

none of that restaurant, during a game type bullshit. 

Unless you are sure… and even at that, why would you want that much attention?

Bottom line is lets act like we got some HOTDAMN SENSE 

and be realistic about our demands and expectations. 

All these damn romantic movies got people twisted. 

Its called a movie for a reason so let’s leave that shit at the cinema. 

Just Do It

There are major differences between men and women… 

I mean I don’t think I need to go into all that… but fact, is these differences are glaring.

Look at boy and girl relations… 

when we (men) start the chase…

 the chick is always on some bullshit… 

I mean waiting for you to either put the final nail in your coffin 

or sweep them off they feet… 

I mean with a woman there is always work to do. 

Well I can’t really blame them not like we back in the cave-man era where it was… 

“thonk… drag… straff…” 

well I am assuming this was how it was done then until 

cave-men started fighting for their property… 

and the woman as usual is the ultimate prize and pride of a man…

I digress…

Anyways, women want men to do shit they are not used to, 

please do not be confused… 

we will do them… 

the problem is when we stop you say we have changed… 

lets break this down… 

we started talking to you… (for the most part) 

if you just said yes we won’t need to change in order to impress or woo you 

and it won’t lead to the most famous line in the statement in the world 

“you have changed… you stopped doing the things that you used to” 

well… I won’t call it change… 

I will call it reverting to the original state of existence. 

Women love to talk… talk about the day, and shit that happened and all that good stuff… 

men do not really like to talk… if we do it better be relevant.

Yesterday I was with a married couple… 

heading to a meeting with the husband and I had to drop the wife at her office… 

ok… the ride was smooth… 

but damn his wife could not be quiet and you could tell that homeboi didn’t feel like talking… 

she talking bout shit that don’t even matter… 

her sister and her husband… 

the water leaking from the roof of the boy’s quarters in her father’s house… 

I almost lost it… truth is as men we do not have a choice… 

women like to talk about all kinda shit… 

they just need to know that you are a part of whatever they are going through. 

I have always been bad at this though… because to be honest… 

[pause]

You must give it up to the woman though… she won’t leave or switch up her feelings; 

she will adjust, and for the most part welcome what you have turned into or reverted to…

But there is another problem that might stir-up… 

women for the most part once they “lock down” a dude… they let go… talking about 

OUT THE WINDOW

Walking around a nigga crib like u just escaped being beaten by some cave-man… 

I mean WTF?! 

What the hell we posed to do with that ish!!! 

And the minute we not in the mood to be around the house you get to nagging… 

for the most part you are in control of that relationship… 

your vibe and your appearance is what motivates  a us… 

trust me if you look 10/10 for the most part he will be all over you. 

(unless you wore him out already)

and they definitely want to be around you all the time...

On the other hand as soon as men get with that girl they been wanting… 

they relax and can be withdrawn… 

this is when the woman wants to see more of you 

and you are busy making up excuses all over the place… 

talking bout I am really busy this week… nigga doing what?!! 

When you were on her ass like white on rice you had all the time in the world and now that she yours, 

you can’t spare a couple hours in your day… ok… 

watch another nigga slide in… 

and guess who going to be wearing the stupid face…  

Fact is, our potential differences are what make us need each other… 

I mean a man is willing to sit in a place and if he is not disturbed… 

would probably be there for the rest of his life… but when a woman is introduced into the equation… 

she starts to make plans for both of you. 

This can be very annoying but please indulge her, 

you might just enjoy it and guess what… 

when you are done you have earned the right to be left alone 

or won the key to the ultimate sex vault… 

I choose the second.

on that note i leave you with a skit from Llyod's Playboy Diaries...

The Chef's In the Kitchen

There is something that happens when you’re listening to a track that speaks to you

 in more languages than you care to decipher. 

Various instrumentals blending to give that perfect symphony… 

at the same time making it clear to you that individually they are useless for the purpose of the song.

The heavy base drums that keep track of the rhythm, help regulate the track timing 

and helps keep the artiste in check. 

The marriage of these instruments make us move and have particular tracks on repeat.

Some artistes do this easily and for some part successfully. 

Nigerian artistes are of a different breed. They understand their crowd…

 they know who they singing to… 

drunk with club bangers, it is hard to make a CD with Nigerian tracks and expect that 

you can drive like a normal person… 

everything is heavy and noisy with the clash of instruments sounding like what you expect to hear if the Krackin was picking its teeth with a rock.

But once in a while… 

a hero comes along and proceeds to give us what we have been waiting for. 

I can’t put in words my excitement when I hear Nigerian tracks I can chill to… 

not feeling the need to know how to AZONTO and the pressure that comes with doing it well.

Recently a track was sent to me, was a little worried at first… 

cos I do have a thing for honesty… 

but hey I cast my fears aside and jumped it. 

No rope, life jacket or a plank… 

like that monkey in the titanic movie that gave his plank to a woman that survived, got married, 

had wild sex-capades and kids… I think… 

I digress

Anyways to my surprise it was a remix of an older track that I really liked… this time 2face was on it… lending his unmistakable vocals to the track. 

PRE (pretty, rude & entertaining) did his thing… 

He puts his essence in everything he does and he spared nothing on this track.

with a beat was produced by Leric… its hard to go wrong...

The fuse between hop-hop and afro beat on this track is something to be proud of; 

forever engaging.

Listen to the track here…

..........................................................................................................................................................

P.R.E FT 2FACE - TAKE IT UP (TAKE IT DOWN REMIX)

The Rubbish Called Music

The past couple weeks some serious tracks have hit the airwaves… 

as much as I might not be as up-to-date as I used to be… I still know good music when I hear it. 

And yes there have been some bullshit track flying around.

The Nigerian music scene is a very peculiar one. 

We love beats… complicated or simple… don’t matter to nobody. 

Content and delivery… practically non-existent. 

You find that for the most part Nigerian songs are purely made to entertain, 

its like listening to a comedy show recorded on a cd. 

Everything they say is funny or tries to be, no imagination in content delivery.

I mean what is “kako be chicken” how does that relate to anything? 

Then while ur trying to swallow that they hit you with 

“kako be kpako”. 

Translation: stand/pose like chicken… stand/pose like stick… 

or something like that…I mean… really? 

The song is funny and it is guaranteed to get you moving somehow… 

even if you tried your best not to move… your eyes will probably start twitching to the beat.

The truth is… this is what the Nigerian people want and these musicians are just playing to their tune… 

it has made them lazy and very predictable. 

I don’t even care to go into calling names today… 

can’t have people hunting me down…

well that would be to their own disappointment

I am basically interested in the artistes that understand that content still matters, 

the rappers that understand that the right word play is still captivating and still have people ohhh-ing and what-ing?! when they hear something crazy.

well my personal list if I ever had one will include these artistes; not in any particular order:

M.I. – word play, punch lines, delivery…

Flavor – high-life is timeless… all his tracks are relevant.

Mode9 – insane delivery and punchlines

PRE – punchlines, flow, vocals, good ear for beats. Nothing basic about this dude! First 3-D Music video

SauceKid – SINZU!!!! U know what it is… mad flow and punchlines… also got the attitude

BurnaBoy – fresh, good vocal and punchlines when necessary 

2Face – 2BABA!!!!... NEED I SAY MORE

Jesse Jags – beat guru, good ear for music, delivers on any track

Vector – punchline and metaphor doctor, just what the rap industry prescribed. Dude can flow for days.

Naeto C – smooth, laid back flow, engaging  

brymo – ahh! the son of a carpenter… this nigga here.. perfect blend of old vocals and words with new sound

Phenom – good energy, punchlines

Phyno – I hope I spelt it correctly… solid flow no matter the language he speaking

loose Kaynon – got some hard lines… he had to be on this

Yung Six – intelligent rap, voice is not too great but it works

All the dudes on Illegal Music 2 – I don’t know where M.I. got them from… but they delivered.

I know there are some peeps I left out or forgot… you guys will be alright… up your game and leave an impression. 

 

Love this track!

Burna Boy ft PRE – ph-london-paris

For the Living

My day started like any other Saturday will… very basic day… wake up, look for food. Find it, eat it and head back to bed.

Fortunately, I was spared the completion of this mundane, 

boring ass repetition of a day when I remembered had beach paroles… 

boy was I happy? 

I mean I had thought about it earlier in the morning and it just seemed like long things… coupled with the drinking from the night before… 

the boy was feeling lazy.

Anyways I made it to the meeting point… 

and everyone was excited at the prospects of a private beach house, food, drinks, quads, music etc… 

as we waited for the boats to arrive… 

I cracked open a bottle of brandy and started early… 

bad idea.

Getting on that boat… wow!... 

yeah I have a fear for water… 

unless its in a bath-tub or in a bottle.

Anyways the rest is history… the day went as expected… 

CRUNK!!!